


Discord Discovery

by Kerriathechosen1



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit Sanders is a Good Friend, Depression, Good Deceit | Janus Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, I think discord is really cool so I put it into a fanfic, I'm sorry I had to write more angst, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Mild Language, Sad Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Swearing, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, dark themes, projecting my fears and insecurities onto Remus, projecting my need for a close friend onto Janus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24208438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerriathechosen1/pseuds/Kerriathechosen1
Summary: Remus has a heart-shattering realization about his friendship with his only college friend, Janus. He comes to terms with knowing that he's just a nuisance to his "friend," and isolates himself during a depressive episode.Janus has no idea any of this is going on, until he does -- and then he is very, very concerned.
Comments: 29
Kudos: 138





	1. Remus

**Author's Note:**

> {Only the basic ideas from this -- adding a friend to a discord server, college friendships, the internal thoughts and fears expressed by Remus, etc. -- are inspired by real events. Everything having to do with the characters in this story -- the actual comments on the server, the personalities and actions of the characters, the confrontation -- is completely fictional. Yes, this is a vent-fic for me, but I have not experienced what either of these characters are experiencing. I feel the need to post this just in case someone I know finds this account and reads this for some reason. Please don't be alarmed!  
> Also, please stay safe. <3 You are loved.}

Remus turned his head and watched as a faint smile came across Janus's face, like he was amused.  _ ‘Score!’ _ Remus thought to himself. He suddenly felt giggly, happy that he’d been the one to make Janus smile like that. For those few moments, he allowed himself to be completely deluded -- to believe that Remus’s inner fantasy of them being best friends against the world could be true.

The two college freshmen were walking back to their separate dorms from the food hall. The night was young but the stars were already twinkling up high. Remus liked to think that they were winking at him, sharing in his brief period of joy. Remus knew this feeling wouldn’t last; his mood swung like a pendulum and he’d probably spend the night wishing he could cry himself to sleep without his roommate hearing him. Not that anyone would’ve noticed. Certainly not Janus, whom Remus had been very careful around. You’d take one look at Remus and think the man didn’t have a filter -- and that was true, for the most part. But what many people didn’t get was, he had another side of him he refused to let people see. But it certainly did exist -- unfortunately for him.

They reached the small fork where their paths diverged, but Remus didn’t let that stop him. He kept talking, ramping up the speed of his words until they were almost indecipherable, because he had more to say. A few students passed by and cast him weird glances before shrugging and walking off.

Janus looked uncomfortable as he watched them go. Remus ignored them as he spouted out the rest of his story. As soon as he paused to take a breath, though, Janus suddenly raised his hand to stop him. “All right, Remus, you can tell me more over text. I have to start my homework. I’ll see you later.” He spun on his feet with a slight wave of his hand, and then his back was facing Remus, shutting him up.

Remus watched in annoyance as Janus walked away. The gears in his head screeched to a halt and began turning the opposite direction. He couldn’t remember where he’d left off, and that bothered him enough to make him bite off a nail with one snap.

But he couldn’t be angry at Janus. Not  _ Janus _ , who had been so good to him all this time. He was angry with  _ himself _ , for pushing Janus away with his stupid ideas, his stupid face, his stupid annoying chaotic energy.

Remus turned on his heel and bounded back to his dorm, grinning obnoxiously at people who came his way and poking them if he thought he could get away with it. To the outside world, he was just as wild as ever.  _ ‘Fake it till you make it’ _ was his motto, after all.

And, surprisingly, it worked this time. Remus cackled in delight when he saw his whiteboard on the door. He’d drawn an obscene image involving an octopus and a married couple, but the boy down the hall -- and he  _ knew  _ it was Patton, because Patton was everything sweet in the world, but boy was he a prude -- had drawn a few extra details and erased several to make the picture more family-friendly. The octopus was now in the center of the board, seeming to smile as it waved its tentacles in the air, and the married couple had disappeared altogether. Above the octopus there was a text bubble, saying, “How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!”

Yep, that was Patton, all right. Another thing about him -- he was a pun master. Remus couldn’t bring himself to dislike the guy because of that, no matter how closed-minded he might be about the mature themes Remus liked to express in his art.

Remus slammed his door shut behind him and threw himself onto his mattress, sighing as he sunk into the comfort of his bed. He thought once more about Janus as he hugged his octopus plushie. He was really lucky to have Janus as a friend, especially since he came here with no one.

Sure, Janus was his only friend, but Remus was Janus's only college friend, too. They were a good match.

Content, he allowed his body to settle comfortably, and drifted off for the night.

***

Flash forward a couple days, and Janus and Remus were sitting in the dining hall together having dinner. It was seafood risotto night, and Remus was thrilled. Janus, on the other hand, opted for some steak and french fries. He was grumbling that the cafeteria knives sucked as he struggled to cut his steak. Meanwhile, Remus was yapping loudly as usual, this time about an alien UFO conspiracy and how thrilling life would be if it were real. He rambled on for a couple minutes before Janus pointed out, “Remus, your risotto is getting cold.” Remus let out a shocked sort of whine and began stuffing his dinner into his mouth.

Janus rolled his eyes. “Remus, you’re going to choke.” Remus tried to speak but it came out muffled due to the pile of mush in his mouth. Janus decided not to look at him. He scrolled through his discord server instead, looking at the different channels that had been added to that day, when suddenly he looked up. Remus could practically see his inner light bulb flicker on.

“What’s up, Double-Dee?”

Janus looked like he regretted what he was about to say already, but Remus kept his eyes on him expectantly until he spoke. “I was  _ thinking…  _ about adding you to my discord server. … If you’re interested, that is.” He then looked back down at his phone, avoiding Remus’s reaction.

Remus wasn’t sure why Janus thought the idea could ever be rejected. He would never say no to becoming part of a group --  _ any  _ group, for that matter. He craved attention more than he craved food. That should have been evident to just about anyone.

“Yes!” he exclaimed. “Definitely, definitely, definitely! Whoa, try saying ten five times fast. Definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely.”

Remus beamed across the table at Janus. He noticed his friend was doing that small smile of his again, like he was really beginning to regret something but there was no turning back now.

Remus began asking him questions about the other people on the server, and a long conversation developed. They talked for a much longer time than usual, until finally Janus decided it was time to head back. Remus first made sure to smuggle a couple cups of coffee (it wasn’t really smuggling since they were allowed to take it, but he still felt a rush every time, because free coffee? That didn’t just fall out of a tree!) before joining Janus out the door.

***

That night, Janus sent Remus a link to join the server, and soon he was in it with everyone else. He named himself Dumpster Raccoon and immediately began spamming the channel with morbid humor and offensive jokes that led to a questionable first impression. Not that it was his fault; he’d spent  _ hours  _ thinking about how he was going to do it. He definitely came up with a good plan to make everyone like him from the start... He just wasn’t one for sticking to good plans. Good plans tended not to be fun, and Remus loved being a wild card.

Roman always told him that was going to be his doom, but he never listened. Unfortunately for him.

***

A few months later, Remus was lying in his bed and scrolling through the day’s conversations on the discord server. He hadn’t been online much, since he and Roman had been visiting their grandparents that day. As always whenever visiting their relatives, he was left in a sour mood with his door bolted shut and heavy metal blaring out of his laptop speakers. Roman, playing the role of the concerned twin brother (not that he was  _ actually  _ concerned; Remus knew it was just to appease his self-righteous fantasy of himself), knocked on his door twice, once to ask if he was all right, and once to invite him downstairs for dinner.

It was only for appearances. They both knew he wasn’t going down those stairs for at least forty-eight hours; he didn’t want to face his parents and the scolding they’d give him for “behaving improperly”. It was all total bullshit. If he sat silently, they would press him to speak up, and if he talked, he was talking too much! He would never be enough for them. He didn’t care to try anymore.

Glancing at the usernames on the screen, Remus frowned. He’d been a part of Janus’s server for a while now, but he still had the gut feeling he was viewed as an outsider. He didn’t quite fit in. He’d type something on impulse, and the responses the others gave him made him feel…  _ shame _ .

Shame was not something Remus typically felt. He knew who he was and tried to be proud of it, especially to people’s faces. But online, it felt more personal. It was easier to get hurt. Because it reminded him that it wasn’t just his  _ appearance  _ that turned people away; it was  _ everything about him _ that was wrong.

Remus knew he had a wild imagination and a tendency to believe in things that weren’t there, so he tried to repress the feelings. He knew what had happened the last time he didn’t.

***

A few days later, Remus had to admit it: he was in a funk. It was one of those dreadfully dull nights, when he couldn’t imagine himself moving out of bed, but he felt sick just lying down there. He didn’t even feel like drawing, which was his go-to hobby for when the going got tough. Instead, he turned on some angsty music and laid there for hours, before deciding to check the server again.

It was then that he really came to notice the search feature at the top. Bored, he pressed the button to see what would happen. The search options came up, and Remus had to admit, he was impressed by how detailed it was. He could filter out all but one user’s messages, if he wanted. He could look all the way back to the last year, or even in specific channels. The thought interested him; he could look all the way back to before he was a part of the server and see what things were like back then. He wondered if there were people who had since left. Maybe that was why Janus threw him in; maybe he had a thing about numbers and wanted to keep the amount of members the same. Janus  _ was  _ into ‘hidden significance’ and weird shit like that.

Remus couldn’t help it; suddenly, his curiosity was sparked. He went to the “after” option and typed in the first day of his freshman semester in college. He’d met Janus about a week or so later, so now he could see if Janus had written anything about him! The thought filled him with more dread than anticipation. What if he saw something he didn’t like?

But Remus would rather know an ugly truth than leave himself in the dark. He filtered out every other user except for Janus, known as DualitySnek, and filtered out everything after the week Remus was brought to the server. Now he would get to see whatever Janus had to say about him!

Remus found himself hesitating. If Janus knew he was doing this, could he be at risk of losing their friendship? Did this count as disrespecting his privacy? Remus knew that privacy meant  _ everything  _ to Janus, and he didn’t want to upset him; he’d rather cut off his own tongue than do something to get on Janus’s bad side! (On second thought, maybe not the tongue -- talking was Remus’s specialty. A hand would do. But that wasn’t the point!)

And regardless, Remus  _ had  _ to know. He had to prove to himself that he was wrong, that Janus really did care about him. Besides, if he was invited to join the server, there was no reason Janus should be angry at him for it! Janus gave him access to it; why should that matter? Janus was secretive enough that he doubted any private personal info would be there. Janus was smarter than that.

So Remus began. He scrolled through hundreds of pages, getting to know Janus a little more with each passing post. Janus was very sarcastic and critical of society, and he spent most of his time complaining about people (without giving too many details pointing to his identity). His dry sense of humor made Remus smirk despite the gloominess trying to drag him down. He remembered again why he loved Janus. (Platonically, of course. If it were anything more, Janus would already know. He was too smart and Remus was shit when it came to hiding things.)

Immediately Remus noticed something that surprised him. Apparently, Janus had a crush on his roommate, Virgil, from the very beginning. He didn’t outright say it, but it was clear enough from his conversations with one of his fellow friends on the server.

**Hamilfan: Sooooo how’s the roommate situation ??**

**DualitySnek: Mmm. It’s fine.**

**Hamilfan: U getting along ??**

**DualitySnek: Oh, I’m sure we’ll do more than get along. If things go well, that is.**

**Hamilfan: !!**

**DualitySnek: I won’t deny he has a charm, behind all that emo exterior of his.**

**Hamilfan: Dude, emo exterior just** **_accentuates_ ** **the charm.**

**DualitySnek: Big words coming from you.**

**Hamilfan: Bish you better be dating by Halloween. I want pics**

**DualitySnek: Hmm. We’ll see.**

Remus smiled. Those two would make a great pair, if Virgil wasn’t such a stick in the mud. He’d honestly thought of setting them up before, but he wasn’t sure if he’d actually done anything about it. Sometimes it was hard to distinguish what he did in dreams from his actions in reality. Either way, the conclusion hadn’t been pretty, so he’d let it slide for once. Remus wasn’t usually one to give up on anything once he started, but Janus was an exception.  _ Anything  _ involving Janus meant flipping the script, doing what Janus wanted instead of what Remus wanted, because Janus’s opinion meant more.

Remus scrolled a little further and saw an event that jogged his memory.

**DualitySnek: So. We did a sudden, non-rehearsed rendition of “Alexander Hamilton” and “Waving Through A Window” as a warm-up for the theater group today.**

Excitement coursed through Remus’s body, leaving his mind and body jittery. He remembered that day! He was there! It was later that night, actually, that he, Roman, Janus, and a group of other theater nerds had dinner together, stole coffee and ice cream from the food hall, and threw a vine-viewing party in Remus’s room. That was when he and Janus were introduced, and they talked and talked and talked, making so many references and debating philosophies that had everyone else rolling their eyes and ignoring them. It was the first time in Remus’s life that someone actually seemed to  _ want  _ him around! He hoped Janus felt the same. He wondered what Janus had to say about that day?

So Remus scrolled through the messages, knowing he had a stupidly wide grin on his face as he did so. He didn’t even realize it when a day had passed. And then two. And then three. Without a single mention of himself.

Remus knew he was making a big deal out of nothing, but he couldn’t help but feel a little let down. But -- but that was okay! Janus didn’t know him very well back then, so of course he wouldn’t write about him! Remus was being overdramatic.

He continued reading on, waiting for that moment when Janus would reveal he’d found a new friend. A couple weeks passed, and he had a hint of something.

**DualitySnek: Sorry, I was busy watching some movie with an acquaintance.** **_Coraline_ ** **?**

The grin returned to Remus’s face. That was him!  _ He’d  _ been the one Janus watched  _ Coraline  _ with! They were even sitting on his bed, Remus squeezing his enormous dolphin stuffed animal he’d gotten from a ring toss game, while Janus gave him his characteristic side-eye of weirded-out amusement. “You never fail to surprise me, Remus,” he’d said. He remembered it clearly. It had made him so happy at the time.

But the grin was fleeting, because now, the word  _ ‘acquaintance’ _ started ringing through his head, and uncertainty washed over his features. The word  _ ‘acquaintance’ _ bothered him. He knew Janus didn’t like to call anyone ‘friend’ -- it was ever so obvious that the snake had trust issues, ones that ran far deeper in his veins than Remus could ever know. Remus told himself that ‘acquaintance’ was the next best thing, and tried to believe it.

He scrolled further and found yet another mention about a month later.

**DualitySnek: A college acquaintance of mine, for some godforsaken reason, woke me up at 3 am to let me know Hamilton is coming to theaters in two years. Then he snuck into his brother’s dorm room --** **_across_ ** **campus -- to steal a pack of chicken nuggets, and now we’re eating chicken nuggets on the edge of a cliff.**

**DualitySnek: I’m not sure how this happened.**

**Hamilfan: … wha ??**

**UncenableHarambe: Should… Should I be concerned?**

**BillCiphersghost: I’m not sure if I trust that sort of personality on a cliff with you…**

**DualitySnek: Don’t be concerned. That’s my job.** **_He’s_ ** **the one leaning over the edge and throwing nuggets into the river below.**

**DualitySnek: If a God exists, I hope he has a good explanation for this.**

**Hamilfan: That sounds… really dangerous??**

**BillCiphersghost: Good luck, stay safe :/**

**DualitySnek: Eh. Unfortunately, I’m used to it. I just wish he’d decided to do this at 3** **_pm_ ** **so I could actually get some sleep for my exam tomorrow. *shrugs***

Remus frowned, sinking into his cushions, as his heart began to sink in his chest. At the time, he’d thought it was  _ fun _ , that this stupid shit was what friends did. You know, like that joke -- fake friends will let you sleep in during a sleepover, but real friends will slap you with a pillow yelling for you to wake up and make them breakfast. Remus liked to think he was a real friend.

But the more and more he read, the more he realized how much of a  _ nuisance  _ he was. Janus rarely ever mentioned him again after that. He might say something like, “I’m playing a game,” or “I have a show tonight,” or “This is what the food hall decided to serve me? They call this  _ food _ ?”, but he’d never name the person who sat right there through it all. He never mentioned the little experiences that made Remus’s time here so worthwhile -- the little jokes they cracked about the media and the college itself, the way Remus was there to distract Janus with terrible schemes after knowing he and Virgil weren’t getting along, the way Janus struggled not to smile when Remus poured ketchup on coffee ice cream just so a third party could take pictures of the disgusted looks on people’s faces. Remus thought they had a  _ bond _ . But he was mistaken.

Because finally, sometime in November, he came across a rant that made his heart break.

**DualitySnek: He’s getting on my last nerve.**

**DualitySnek: I told him to stop doing this, to stop texting me in the middle of the night. I don’t care if he’s on the borderline of mania. I just want to get some rest so I can actually succeed in what I came here to do. It seems like all he ever wants to do is play games, annoy the living shit out of other people, and disturb the lives of everyone around him. I’m sick and tired of having to block his number every night because I can’t just turn off my phone when my alarm is set on it. Virgil is getting irritated, too, and our relationship is already at its limit.** **  
** **DualitySnek: I’m too tired to deal with this shit.**

There it was. Finally, Remus had driven out all the potential excuses, until he was hit with the cold, hard truth that he’d proved himself right -- Janus  _ did  _ hate him.

A single tear trickled out of his eye and he felt his breath and limbs begin to shake. He started crying, but he dug his face into his pillow and tried to keep quiet about it. He didn’t want his brother, Roman, to hear him from the next room over. His pride couldn’t take it.

Remus continued reading anyway, holding onto a small hope (against all reason) that  _ maybe  _ at one point, Janus said something  _ small  _ about him in a positive light, that perhaps at one point he managed to redeem himself in Janus's eyes. But he saw nothing at all, except a brief warning in the early months of the next year that he was adding a college acquaintance to the server. A warning -- because no one could deal with Remus without being prepared. Remus’s  _ existence  _ was a nuisance.

He reread the first lines he’d posted on the server, and realized that he screwed it up from the very beginning. Any chances of making friends was ruined -- here, or anywhere else. Because Remus always screwed everything up; he screwed everything up without  _ trying _ . He was skilled at being an utter piece of garbage and he couldn’t seem to tarnish that talent no matter how hard he tried. Everyone steered clear of him for a reason. He was a  _ mistake _ . His words pushed people away. He was revolting, and now they all knew it, and they hated him.

Janus didn’t even like him. He only pretended to be his friend -- no, Janus, never even said the word ‘ _ friend’ _ , did he? -- because he had no one else. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and being around someone as pathetic like Remus was better than being alone. That was the only reason Remus didn’t back up and give Janus the space he so clearly wanted -- because he knew, deep down, they would both spiral if they didn’t have each other.

At first, knowing that Janus didn’t have anyone else seemed like a good thing. It meant Remus had no competition; he had Janus all to himself and they could be best friends forever, right?!

But he’d been wrong. In fact, knowing he was the only option hurt now with this new information, because now he realized Janus would have taken  _ anyone  _ over him.

Then again, who wouldn’t? Remus was nothing special, just a  _ nuisance _ .

Whenever Janus mentioned him, it was in annoyance, not amusement. Janus commented more about his roommate than he did Remus, and Janus wasn’t even on  _ good terms _ with his roommate. Remus was unwanted. He was just a side fling -- if he could even call it that, considering their relationship was platonic. Which Remus was glad about -- it would’ve only hurt far worse if they had more going on between them.

Remus laid back against his pillow and closed his laptop, dropping it on the nightstand beside the bed. He would’ve spent time mulling over the next course of action, but really, it didn’t require any thinking. Remus knew  _ exactly  _ what he was going to do --  _ nothing _ .

He’d deal with his own pain silently and internally. He could never let Janus know how he felt, because Janus didn’t deserve to be bothered by scum like him. Remus could hide things, too.

And yeah, Janus didn’t deserve someone as rotten as Remus, but maybe Remus could try to be better for him. Janus didn’t need to know what he knew; all he needed was someone who would  _ stay _ . And Remus would always stay. He would never leave Janus, never -- not until he was forced to.

Remus knew that, one day, Janus would leave him when he met someone better, someone who appreciated him as much as Remus did. And he’d be okay with it. Janus deserved better.

And, honestly, Remus deserved this pain. He deserved every last bit of it.


	2. Janus

A week or two after break ended, things had gone back to normal at the college. It was a cool and ordinary Monday evening; Janus was sitting just outside the food hall on a comfy chair by the entrance, looking through his discord feed on his phone. After a few minutes of boredom, he checked the time and realized Remus was almost fifteen minutes late. Janus’s eyes narrowed as he thought about this information, curling a string of hair around his finger. Remus wasn’t always on time, sure, but he was rarely this late.

Janus leaned closer to the window and peered outside, trying to ignore the knot in his stomach and clump in his throat whenever he thought someone was looking at him. At least one person pushed open the door every minute, and often there were huge groups that entered at once, babbling excitedly about something anime or sports-related. Janus couldn’t help feeling nervous in these sorts of social situations. He tried to shrink in on himself whenever someone walked by, smiled faintly when they looked at him, and turned away as soon as he thought he could without looking as anxious as he felt. Janus wasn’t sure how good he was at hiding it.

Anger bubbled in his stomach. This was why Remus was supposed to be here, acting as the barrier between Janus and the outside world. Sure, that wouldn’t help him in the long run, but Janus took advantage of whatever he was given.

A thought passed his mind and the anger settled. He hadn’t seen Remus at all that day -- or even the past few days. Usually he saw Remus every single day, if not in passing, then at dinner. They got dinner together every single night, but Janus had been home for the weekend, and he returned later than their dinner time the previous night. Perhaps Remus had gotten sick?

Janus peeked out of the window again and decided to send a text message.

_ “Hey, Remus, are you coming to dinner or not?” _

Remus typically always had his phone on him,  _ oh so eager _ for any human contact he could get his hands on, so Janus was certain he’d respond within the minute. But five passed by in silence, and Janus’s stomach was growling incessantly, so he decided to brave the social torture and satiate his appetite.

_ “Remus, I’m going in. I’ll be at the window seat.” _

Janus swiped his card to enter the food hall, and the smell of coffee and pastries assaulted him immediately. He moved far away from the bakery section, cursing its proximity to the entrance, and instead filled his tray with soup and salad. Anything more, he wouldn’t be able to stomach, what with the loud voices and screeching music blaring through the building. Unless Remus was there to drown out the noise, Janus wouldn’t last long in there.

As he moved to the window seat, he made sure to sit so the left half of his face was toward the window, and pulled down his hat to hide it so very little of it showed in his reflection. Ever since a house fire he’d gotten caught up in as a child, the left side of his face had been burned and scarred, and the years had not healed it completely. The pink skin made him want to puke just looking at it -- he couldn’t blame other people for not wanting to look at or be around him. But Remus had never been grossed out by his appearance; Remus was never disturbed by anything. Being around him took away Janus’s worry, and allowed Janus to be the one who didn’t stand out, for once in his life. He wouldn’t admit it aloud, but it was one of the few comforts he could rely on to motivate him through the day.

Janus ate his meal slowly, looking through the messages on his phone as a distraction. Fifteen minutes passed by, and still no response or sign of Remus.  _ ‘This never happens,’ _ he thought to himself. Janus could feel the worry fester up inside of him, like water pouring from a faucet into a sink, and once the sink flooded over, he wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore. But he tried to push down his concern anyway and focus on his meal, because sure, Remus was a troublemaker, but he was never caught or put in actual  _ danger _ .

Remus continued to lurk in the back of his mind. Janus wondered if there were any extracurricular activities he could be doing that made him lose track of time. He could have been doing something for theater, perhaps, but the likelihood of that died down as Janus examined the room and caught sight of most of the other theater kids (the ones willing to spend time with Remus, that is). Still, he convinced himself that that  _ must  _ be it, because all the art-related clubs met on different days, and Remus didn’t do much else with his time.

Instead of worrying more, Janus went back to his room and finished his homework while listening to his Spotify playlist. About an hour later, he was finished and began preparations for bed. His evenings usually fell into this same-old routine -- dinner, check the server, homework, check the server, brush teeth, shower, check the server, go to bed.

As he was checking the server for the last time that night, he made a point to search for any comments by Remus, but the last comment made by Dumpster Raccoon was several days ago. Nothing about his last comment (or text, for that matter) seemed inherently wrong or out of character. So Janus told himself to forget about it and went to sleep with little difficulty.

***

The next day, he went to his breakfast and classes and lunch just like usual, but not once did he see Remus anywhere. Janus found this very strange, because while Remus was always busy and wild, he never missed out on  _ both  _ lunch and dinner. Even when he was engrossed in his art projects, he would still find a way to attend meals -- even if he’d spend the whole time sketching or talking nonstop about his ideas. Remus was far too sociable not to.

As Janus was finishing up his dinner, he checked his phone again. Remus still hadn’t responded to any of the messages he’d sent, nor had he made any comments on discord. Janus was running out of patience, and starting to run on anxiety instead, which was never good.

Janus caught sight of Remus’s roommate sitting at a round table with some of his fellow athletes. He plucked up the courage to approach him on his way out of the hall, clearing his throat to let him know he was at his side. He made sure to stand on the right, so the normal side of his face was visible. “Pardon me. I haven’t seen Remus around lately; has he been busy?”

“No.” Remus’s roommate rolled his eyes. “The opposite, actually. He’s been a  _ zombie  _ the past few days. Hasn’t moved, hasn’t talked much. Hasn’t even left his bed, as far as I know. Guess even he only has so much energy before he crashes. It’s been a long time coming.”

A cold chill ran through Janus. He recalled his warm, sweet-hearted brother, Thomas, and what  _ he  _ had looked like during his depressive episodes. He’d been so pale, so quiet, so hopeless -- it had been absolutely terrifying. He never wanted to see anyone go through such a terrible illness again.  _ ‘No, not Remus, too, please.’ _

Janus felt his hands shaking as he quickly uttered a thanks and left the dining hall. He hoped he was completely wrong about this, because Remus was already a disaster waiting to happen, and seeing such a kind soul like Thomas in that state was  _ terrifying _ . Janus was scared just thinking about what Remus might do in the same situation; Remus had a tendency to act on his thoughts, and the thoughts Thomas shared with him had been as frightening as they were heartbreaking.

Janus swiped his card into Remus’s building and zoomed down the hall to his room. He knew it was Remus’s by the whiteboard, since it had an octopus and a pun on it. Remus’s board was always either obscene or cheesy. Janus often used to pity Remus’s roommate for having  _ that  _ to look at every time he entered his room, but now, all he felt was frustration when he thought of that asshole who didn’t care in the slightest about his roommate’s condition.

Janus gently knocked on the door. “Remus? Are you there?” He waited. A long silence followed his words. He knocked and called again, a little louder. Again, there was no response.

Janus twisted the doorknob and found that the door was unlocked. He pulled it open and peeked in through the gap. The room was very dark; the blinds were all down and closed and the lights were off. But Remus wasn’t asleep. He was laying in his bed, but his eyes were open, and they were staring blankly at the ceiling. He didn’t move a muscle when the door was opened the whole way.

Janus could see the darkness swirling in Remus’s eyes even from the door. Panic spiked up his throat, but he forced it down as he entered the room and quickly shut the door behind him.

Immediately the words came rushing to his mouth, but he didn’t speak them. It would be stupid to ask if he was okay when he so clearly wasn’t. Instead, Janus asked, “Have you eaten?”

There was a pause, and then the boy’s head slowly tilted to the side. He looked too tired to give him a full shake, and that was worrisome.

Janus sighed and approached the bed. “Remus, you have to take care of yourself.”

“Why?” asked a monotone voice, one that shouldn’t belong to Remus. Janus winced and pulled up the desk chair next to the bed. As he placed himself down in it, he countered, “Why not?”

Remus fell silent. Janus waited for a response for a long time before he realized he wasn’t getting one. Apparently, Remus  _ did  _ have a filter sometimes. Once upon a time that might have been his wish, but Janus wasn’t so happy about that anymore.

Janus reached out and stroked Remus’s hair. Yes, it was matted from a lack of care, but his hair was still soft, and the way Remus’s breath seemed to catch in his throat just told Janus he  _ needed  _ this. He gently combed through Remus’s hair with his fingers as Remus closed his eyes.

“It’s not like you to be so quiet,” Janus pointed out.

Remus turned his head away from him. He mumbled softly, but Janus could still hear. “It’s better that way.”

“It’s not,” Janus argued, angry with himself, angry at the world -- because yes, Remus could be loud and talkative and a bit annoying, but that was what made him  _ Remus _ . And he knew people had told Remus to stop being those things; he knew that he had probably said as much before. But anything,  _ anything  _ was better than  _ this _ . It pained Janus just to look at him, to hear the hopelessness in his voice. “Remus, can you sit up for me?” he asked, his voice soft and patient.

Remus seemed to sink lower into his bed. “I don’t want to move.”

“Remus.”

Something in his voice must have reached him, because Remus groaned quietly and pushed himself up into a sitting position. His eyes looked dead. Janus could tell from his hair that he hadn’t showered in days, and he didn’t even want to know when the last time he brushed his teeth was.

Janus mustered up his courage. “How long?”

“Only since Saturday…”

Janus sighed. “Say something next time. I was worried yesterday when you didn’t respond.” Silence. Janus tried to read his eyes, but Remus wouldn’t look up from where his fists were clenching his sheets. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“... You would be better off if I was gone.”

Janus fought back any expression of pity and allowed his voice to become stone. “No. That’s not true.” Janus hoped his voice and face conveyed the honesty of his words. “I don’t know why you would think that. What makes you so certain?”

Remus hesitated, but with a little more prodding, he spilled the beans. All of them. Everything from how much of a nuisance he was to everyone in his life before college, to his reliance on their friendship (which led to him apologizing for using the word “friend”, which only made Janus’s heart pang even more), to his discovery on the discord server, to his ultimate realization that he was a lost cause that didn’t deserve to exist. Remus broke down and started crying halfway in, pulling his knees into his chest and hiding his face against them.

Janus cursed. This went deeper than he’d hoped.  _ Brilliant _ .

Without waiting for an invitation, he pulled himself onto the bed and crawled onto the other side of Remus. He looped one arm around his friend’s back, and the crying man curled into his chest. Janus pulled him in closer and used his other hand to rub his friend’s back. Remus clung onto him like a terrified child. His whimpers struck a chord in Janus’s heart and he whispered reassurances, wishing that he never had to hear Remus sound so broken. He wished he hadn’t sent those messages, wished he hadn’t let Remus see them -- but it was too late to reflect on the past.

After a few minutes, Remus’s sobs died down. Janus waited a few moments longer and then asked a question. “Are these moods frequent?”

Roman forced an unnatural giggle. “I’m like a teen girl going through her period, but instead of dripping blood from between my legs, it’s like excreting happiness until it’s all gone, bye-bye, good day!” Remus giggled again, but Janus’s face remained still. It was sudden when Remus paused, like his words were only just registering in his head, and he let go of Janus, murmuring an apology as he tried to push himself away. Janus’s eyes narrowed. He grabbed Remus’s shirt and pulled him back into the embrace.

“Stop apologizing for being yourself,” Janus demanded. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t like who you were, Remus.”

“If you had  _ anyone else _ here instead, you wouldn’t be with  _ me _ ,” Remus argued.

Janus opened his mouth to refute his statement, but it struck him that Remus’s words were true. Had today not happened, that might have been exactly the case, and he probably wouldn’t have felt guilt or even checked up on Remus. He would’ve assumed, due to Remus’s extroverted personality, that everything would be fine. Now he knew it wouldn’t have been.

Janus closed his mouth to rethink his words, then promised, “I will never leave you.”

It was a hefty promise, and Janus knew he probably shouldn’t be making it, but he  _ wanted _ to. He had no intentions of ever breaking it. Remus’s eyes looked wet again, so Janus continued running his fingers through Remus’s hair, while his friend rubbed his eyes dry.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed by in silence, but eventually he said, “Remus, you need to eat, and then you’re going to shower.”

Remus smiled. “Is this just a ploy to see me naked? ‘Cause you could’ve just asked...”

“No. Now, tell me, where do you keep your food?”

***

Janus watched as Remus’s shaky hands grabbed the cup of mac and cheese. He was certain Remus was going to spill it onto himself, so Janus pulled his chair closer and kept his hands steady underneath the cup. Remus gave him a meek smile and began taking bites with his plastic fork. It became pretty clear, pretty quick that Remus was starving, because he had it almost entirely scarfed down in thirty seconds.

“Remus,” Janus murmured. Remus took the cue to slow down and actually chew his food. Janus witnessed as his friend’s eyes became the tiniest bit brighter, and wished to himself that he’d never have to see them so dull again. Remus was life and the sunshine and pure unadulterated energy, and Janus never wanted that to go away.

“I promise you, I’ll always be here,” he found himself saying when Remus finished the cup. He gently placed his own hands over Remus’s. He was awarded with a smile, and a quiet, “More?”

Janus chuckled and took the cup back. There was something so innocent about Remus’s smile that twisted at his heart. He wondered how he hadn’t seen it before. “All right. I’ll get you more.”

Anything he could do to help his friend. He deserved every last bit of it.


End file.
